Nick Kypreos is an idiot.

If any of you happen to watch Sportsnet, then you know who Nick Kypreos is. If you don't, then here's a quick, user-friendly summary of him:



















He is a hockey anchor on Rogers Sportsnet. Basically, he is the epitome of idiots, and here's why:

The other night, during Game 5 of the first round series between the Washington Capitals and the New York Rangers, Alex Ovechkin scored an absolutely stunning goal. If you haven't heard of Ovechkin, he's basically one of the best hockey players in the world right now, as you can see from that goal. He plays hard, he grinds to the puck, works every shift, has an endless amount of finesse, hits hard, scores tons of goals, gets tons of points, and is the main reason the Washington Capitals are the fantastic hockey club they are today.

Cue Kypreos.

Later that night, I was watching Rogers Sportsnet and the Hockeycentral panel was discussing the game. When Ovechkin's goal came into discussion, Nick Kypreos immediatley attacked Ovechkin's style of play. He said something like this:

"Well, c'mon... look: if you just charge to the net ten or twelve times per game, chances are that eventually you'll score a goal."

Oh really, Nick? Really, Mr. Kypreos? Well then, let me ask you this, fuckface: when you played in the NHL, why didn't you charge to the net ten or twelve times a game and score some goals? Hmm? Oh wait, let me guess: you were terrible at hockey. You were just a stupid goon when you played hockey. You sucked then, and now, if it was even possible, you suck even more.

Let's do a quick comparison of your career stats and Alex Ovechkin's career stats, as of today, Monday, April 27th, 2009, shall we?? Delightful!!

Nick Kypreos:
Pro Seasons: 8
Games Played: 442
Points: 90 (46 G, 44 A)
Penalty Minutes: 1,210

Alex Ovechkin:
Pro Seasons: 4
Games Played: 337
Points: 436 (226 G, 210 A)
Penalty Minutes: 218

Oh, WOW, Nick! Looks like you two are really neck-and-neck! In twice the amount of seasons, you had about 1/5 the points and six times the penalty minutes! Do you know what that makes you? A stupid fucking goon. You were the kind of player that makes hockey the sometimes undesirable testosterone-driven madhouse of a sport it can be. Now don't get me wrong; I love hockey with all my heart, I just hate the fact that in the middle of the game, any two players can beat the living shit out of each other. It just doesn't make sense. If every time a pitcher threw a pitch that was a little bit two inside for the hitter's liking in a baseball game, it would make just as much (or little, I suppose) sense if the hitter came charging out to the mound throwing haymakers with the umps standing around letting them duel it out. But it never happens, does it? Do you know why? Because fighting is fucking stupid. Leave it to the boxing ring and the octagon.

A lot of people only watch hockey for the fighting and physical play. Well, I say fuck that and fuck them... hard. No, harder. Gooood. It's a stain on this beautiful sport.

Hey, Nick Kypreos, you wanna know what the highlight of your career you're most famous for is? Check this shit out, you little bitch. If you want to talk about Ovechkin like you're the boss of hockey, then I suggest you make sure your career wasn't a giant steaming turd, which it was. You were a negative addition to the Toronto Maple Leafs, and every other team you "played" for for that matter, and you're a negative addition to the Hockeycentral panel and to Rogers Sportsnet, because you're a big dumb fuck.

The next time you say something about Alex Ovechkin, the words that come out of your mouth better be exactly as follows:

"I don't understand talent, and I never did. He is the God of hockey. I wish I were sucking his gigantic Russian dong right now. Please fire me, Rogers Sportsnet. I'm not even worthy of Martine Gaillard's dump on my chest. I'm the worst person to ever walk the earth! Somebody fuck my face!!"

Oh yeah, and your career ended with a severe concussion, and post-concussion syndrome. I guess you never recovered, you incompetent dumbass.

Ladies and gentleman of the jury, Nick Kypreos is a dumb piece of shit. He should be charged guilty of existence.