How to be a dumb Yankee hater.

Through my own life experiences, I have found that one of the most frustrating things to have to experience is moving to a place where everyone supports a different sports team than you. All the people I argue about baseball with on a daily basis are, collectively, the motivation for this rant. So here’s a quick, easy guide, with everything extracted from my own experiences arguing over baseball, on how to be a dumb Yankee hater.

Start off by insulting their pitching staff, and how much it “sucks”. Include a point about how Roy Halladay or Josh Beckett (depending on which team you support) is the best pitcher in baseball. Allow me to then remind you of the Yankees’ starting rotation and their world-class closer; even though I do believe that Halladay is one of the best pitchers in baseball, and that, as much as I hate the Red Sox, Beckett has good stuff.

Then move on to your amazing second starter… oh wait, he’s not amazing. Nice job. You have a Lebron James-type first starter and then four chumps. The Red Sox are only slightly exempt from this, but the Jays can suck it. Mets fans aren’t included in this particular rant, although they have their place in some of the rants that go on in my head, and they suck just as much.

Since your second starter argument was a total dud, move on to your fantastic lineup. The one that the Yankees’ lineup could trump any day. I don’t care how many home runs this player has, or what that player’s average is, your offense is just simply not as good as the Yankees’ offense, and you know that, so you move on.

A recent argument has come up, and you should totally use it too, regarding the Blue Jays’ monstrous success at the beginning of this season. The truth is, however, that Toronto played some of the softest teams in the league at the beginning of the season. During the hot streak, I knew it was pretty flukey, and I knew it would die down once they started playing the real teams. Sure enough, they dropped two of three to none other than the Yankees (currently 31-21), bounced back for a 4-game sweep of the White Sox (25-26), and then went on the road to lose nine in a row to Boston, Atlanta, and Baltimore. What frustrates me so much about that is that every single Jays fan in Toronto seems to think that their great start is going to hold them up for the rest of the season. And, even funnier, they could just as easily do it again to any set of teams. Well, they are now in third in the AL East, and I’m going to say that they lose the majority of their games this year against teams who are over .500.

So, your point about the great start is fucking terrible. Like every other point so far. You try to argue back, but your team is sitting in third and you’re arguing against a guy whose team is sitting in first, and they didn’t need to play a bunch of soft teams to do it. So, you’re running out of options. You can take two routes here:

1. Accept your loss and come to terms with the fact that your team is not, and will never be, as good as the Yankees.
2. Go for the low blow.

Obviously, since you’re dumb enough to support the team that you do (whether it be Toronto or Boston), you’re dumb enough to choose the latter. You go for the “A-Rod is on steroids” tactic. This is the most frustrating thing for an intelligent, charming, and dapper Yankees fan like me to hear come out of some idiot, and here’s a few reasons why:

1. As aforementioned, you’re a fucking idiot.
2. If news were to come up regarding a player on your team taking steroids at some point in his career, are you just going to abandon your player and your team, and go and support some other group of shit-eating chimpanzees? No. You would stay with your team, and with that player, and, even though you know he made a poor decision at one point or another, support him through a black hole of media harassment and news headlines. I don’t approve of what he did when he played for Texas, so stop pretending like I love the team because one player took steroids, which is essentially what you’re doing by bringing it up in an argument about which team is better to support.
3. Remember the Mitchell report? Yeah, last year’s report about players who have used steroids? There were plenty of other players around the league on that list. But, since all 89 players were named in one issue, people only gave one eighty-ninth of a fuck per player. So, you gave 98.9% more of a fuck when A-Rod was accused of the same exact thing. Hey, look at that! You’re just as consistent as your team.
4. You suck.

So, you drop the “A-Roid” shit and move to your last weak point. I find that if it’s just a short argument with someone, they always, always, 100% of the time use this argument as the first thing they say. But the long arguments involve tactics, and it comes at the end.

“They’re made of money.” “They buy their championships.” “The league needs a salary cap because of them.” “Their bankroll practically means that they’re cheating.”

Well, they may be rich, yes. But back in the day, when it was more even as far as the business of everything went, they were still just as amazing as they are today. And the organization has worked hard over the years to be where they are today, like how your team did jack shit, and now they suck ass. Well, except the Red Sox – they didn’t exactly do jack shit – they’ve won a couple of recent championships, but I hate them so much that I already forgot about it. Plus they were both flukes, so they still suck balls. Also, I’ve been rooting for the Yankees for longer than I can remember, way before I knew what money meant, so I’m not just going to change my favorite team because they’ve got money. What the fuck kind of reason is that anyway? Nice thinking, dumb shit.

So, in regards to this, if you were a fan of your team long before you knew what sucking was, I forgive you. But nonetheless, shut the fuck up.

Hopefully, you have now stopped arguing with me and have realized how stupid you are. You also think Derek Jeter is the greatest shortstop who ever lived and that dressing in pinstripes is the wardrobe choice of a champion.

So, now that you know how to be a dumb Yankee hater, please refrain from having this kind of argument with me, ever. The Yankees are amazing and you’re about as smart as a horse’s asshole.

I win. And I will declare a loss only when your team matches the Bronx Bombers’ 26 championships, which won’t happen before the apocalypse, so I’m safe.