Smartfood is fucking terrible. It chews like cardboard, tastes like a rotten asshole, and is probably bite-sized bird shit. You know what cheddar popcorn I eat?
BAM. Gourmet Aged White Cheddar Kettlecorn. It already sounds orgasmic, just by its name. What the fuck kind of name is Smartfood anyway? Great marketing ploy, Frito Lay. Your next brand of popcorn should be called Fartfood. Not that that's creative or anything, or even remotely funny, but it sure as hell blows Smartfood straight out of the water. And you know what else blows Smartfood straight out of the water?
Gourmet Aged White Cheddar Kettlecorn, bitches. It tastes like something from heaven, not something from Howard Stern's asshole. It is almost as pleasurable to sit down and eat a bag of Smartfood as it is to get a blowjob from a Cuisinart. But Gourmet Aged White Cheddar Kettlecorn? It's like having an orgy with perfect ingredients and an ass-kicking taste that says, "Fuck you, Smartfood. Suck my aged white cheddar shlong!" And Smartfood better obey.
This godly stuff is even made in a place called Popcorn, Indiana. And Popcorn is a town that doesn't fuck around, ladies and gentleman. Popcorn delivers, and Popcorn chops Frito Lay's fat, disgusting ass off with a rusty machete on a daily basis.
So thank you, Kettlecorn, and thank you, Popcorn, Indiana, you have helped me seek refuge through the utter torture and blasphemy of Fartfood. I owe the CEO of Kettlecorn twenty thousand sexual chores.
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