How to be a dumb Yankee hater.

Through my own life experiences, I have found that one of the most frustrating things to have to experience is moving to a place where everyone supports a different sports team than you. All the people I argue about baseball with on a daily basis are, collectively, the motivation for this rant. So here’s a quick, easy guide, with everything extracted from my own experiences arguing over baseball, on how to be a dumb Yankee hater.

Start off by insulting their pitching staff, and how much it “sucks”. Include a point about how Roy Halladay or Josh Beckett (depending on which team you support) is the best pitcher in baseball. Allow me to then remind you of the Yankees’ starting rotation and their world-class closer; even though I do believe that Halladay is one of the best pitchers in baseball, and that, as much as I hate the Red Sox, Beckett has good stuff.

Then move on to your amazing second starter… oh wait, he’s not amazing. Nice job. You have a Lebron James-type first starter and then four chumps. The Red Sox are only slightly exempt from this, but the Jays can suck it. Mets fans aren’t included in this particular rant, although they have their place in some of the rants that go on in my head, and they suck just as much.

Since your second starter argument was a total dud, move on to your fantastic lineup. The one that the Yankees’ lineup could trump any day. I don’t care how many home runs this player has, or what that player’s average is, your offense is just simply not as good as the Yankees’ offense, and you know that, so you move on.

A recent argument has come up, and you should totally use it too, regarding the Blue Jays’ monstrous success at the beginning of this season. The truth is, however, that Toronto played some of the softest teams in the league at the beginning of the season. During the hot streak, I knew it was pretty flukey, and I knew it would die down once they started playing the real teams. Sure enough, they dropped two of three to none other than the Yankees (currently 31-21), bounced back for a 4-game sweep of the White Sox (25-26), and then went on the road to lose nine in a row to Boston, Atlanta, and Baltimore. What frustrates me so much about that is that every single Jays fan in Toronto seems to think that their great start is going to hold them up for the rest of the season. And, even funnier, they could just as easily do it again to any set of teams. Well, they are now in third in the AL East, and I’m going to say that they lose the majority of their games this year against teams who are over .500.

So, your point about the great start is fucking terrible. Like every other point so far. You try to argue back, but your team is sitting in third and you’re arguing against a guy whose team is sitting in first, and they didn’t need to play a bunch of soft teams to do it. So, you’re running out of options. You can take two routes here:

1. Accept your loss and come to terms with the fact that your team is not, and will never be, as good as the Yankees.
2. Go for the low blow.

Obviously, since you’re dumb enough to support the team that you do (whether it be Toronto or Boston), you’re dumb enough to choose the latter. You go for the “A-Rod is on steroids” tactic. This is the most frustrating thing for an intelligent, charming, and dapper Yankees fan like me to hear come out of some idiot, and here’s a few reasons why:

1. As aforementioned, you’re a fucking idiot.
2. If news were to come up regarding a player on your team taking steroids at some point in his career, are you just going to abandon your player and your team, and go and support some other group of shit-eating chimpanzees? No. You would stay with your team, and with that player, and, even though you know he made a poor decision at one point or another, support him through a black hole of media harassment and news headlines. I don’t approve of what he did when he played for Texas, so stop pretending like I love the team because one player took steroids, which is essentially what you’re doing by bringing it up in an argument about which team is better to support.
3. Remember the Mitchell report? Yeah, last year’s report about players who have used steroids? There were plenty of other players around the league on that list. But, since all 89 players were named in one issue, people only gave one eighty-ninth of a fuck per player. So, you gave 98.9% more of a fuck when A-Rod was accused of the same exact thing. Hey, look at that! You’re just as consistent as your team.
4. You suck.

So, you drop the “A-Roid” shit and move to your last weak point. I find that if it’s just a short argument with someone, they always, always, 100% of the time use this argument as the first thing they say. But the long arguments involve tactics, and it comes at the end.

“They’re made of money.” “They buy their championships.” “The league needs a salary cap because of them.” “Their bankroll practically means that they’re cheating.”

Well, they may be rich, yes. But back in the day, when it was more even as far as the business of everything went, they were still just as amazing as they are today. And the organization has worked hard over the years to be where they are today, like how your team did jack shit, and now they suck ass. Well, except the Red Sox – they didn’t exactly do jack shit – they’ve won a couple of recent championships, but I hate them so much that I already forgot about it. Plus they were both flukes, so they still suck balls. Also, I’ve been rooting for the Yankees for longer than I can remember, way before I knew what money meant, so I’m not just going to change my favorite team because they’ve got money. What the fuck kind of reason is that anyway? Nice thinking, dumb shit.

So, in regards to this, if you were a fan of your team long before you knew what sucking was, I forgive you. But nonetheless, shut the fuck up.

Hopefully, you have now stopped arguing with me and have realized how stupid you are. You also think Derek Jeter is the greatest shortstop who ever lived and that dressing in pinstripes is the wardrobe choice of a champion.

So, now that you know how to be a dumb Yankee hater, please refrain from having this kind of argument with me, ever. The Yankees are amazing and you’re about as smart as a horse’s asshole.

I win. And I will declare a loss only when your team matches the Bronx Bombers’ 26 championships, which won’t happen before the apocalypse, so I’m safe.

Nick Kypreos is an idiot.

If any of you happen to watch Sportsnet, then you know who Nick Kypreos is. If you don't, then here's a quick, user-friendly summary of him:



















He is a hockey anchor on Rogers Sportsnet. Basically, he is the epitome of idiots, and here's why:

The other night, during Game 5 of the first round series between the Washington Capitals and the New York Rangers, Alex Ovechkin scored an absolutely stunning goal. If you haven't heard of Ovechkin, he's basically one of the best hockey players in the world right now, as you can see from that goal. He plays hard, he grinds to the puck, works every shift, has an endless amount of finesse, hits hard, scores tons of goals, gets tons of points, and is the main reason the Washington Capitals are the fantastic hockey club they are today.

Cue Kypreos.

Later that night, I was watching Rogers Sportsnet and the Hockeycentral panel was discussing the game. When Ovechkin's goal came into discussion, Nick Kypreos immediatley attacked Ovechkin's style of play. He said something like this:

"Well, c'mon... look: if you just charge to the net ten or twelve times per game, chances are that eventually you'll score a goal."

Oh really, Nick? Really, Mr. Kypreos? Well then, let me ask you this, fuckface: when you played in the NHL, why didn't you charge to the net ten or twelve times a game and score some goals? Hmm? Oh wait, let me guess: you were terrible at hockey. You were just a stupid goon when you played hockey. You sucked then, and now, if it was even possible, you suck even more.

Let's do a quick comparison of your career stats and Alex Ovechkin's career stats, as of today, Monday, April 27th, 2009, shall we?? Delightful!!

Nick Kypreos:
Pro Seasons: 8
Games Played: 442
Points: 90 (46 G, 44 A)
Penalty Minutes: 1,210

Alex Ovechkin:
Pro Seasons: 4
Games Played: 337
Points: 436 (226 G, 210 A)
Penalty Minutes: 218

Oh, WOW, Nick! Looks like you two are really neck-and-neck! In twice the amount of seasons, you had about 1/5 the points and six times the penalty minutes! Do you know what that makes you? A stupid fucking goon. You were the kind of player that makes hockey the sometimes undesirable testosterone-driven madhouse of a sport it can be. Now don't get me wrong; I love hockey with all my heart, I just hate the fact that in the middle of the game, any two players can beat the living shit out of each other. It just doesn't make sense. If every time a pitcher threw a pitch that was a little bit two inside for the hitter's liking in a baseball game, it would make just as much (or little, I suppose) sense if the hitter came charging out to the mound throwing haymakers with the umps standing around letting them duel it out. But it never happens, does it? Do you know why? Because fighting is fucking stupid. Leave it to the boxing ring and the octagon.

A lot of people only watch hockey for the fighting and physical play. Well, I say fuck that and fuck them... hard. No, harder. Gooood. It's a stain on this beautiful sport.

Hey, Nick Kypreos, you wanna know what the highlight of your career you're most famous for is? Check this shit out, you little bitch. If you want to talk about Ovechkin like you're the boss of hockey, then I suggest you make sure your career wasn't a giant steaming turd, which it was. You were a negative addition to the Toronto Maple Leafs, and every other team you "played" for for that matter, and you're a negative addition to the Hockeycentral panel and to Rogers Sportsnet, because you're a big dumb fuck.

The next time you say something about Alex Ovechkin, the words that come out of your mouth better be exactly as follows:

"I don't understand talent, and I never did. He is the God of hockey. I wish I were sucking his gigantic Russian dong right now. Please fire me, Rogers Sportsnet. I'm not even worthy of Martine Gaillard's dump on my chest. I'm the worst person to ever walk the earth! Somebody fuck my face!!"

Oh yeah, and your career ended with a severe concussion, and post-concussion syndrome. I guess you never recovered, you incompetent dumbass.

Ladies and gentleman of the jury, Nick Kypreos is a dumb piece of shit. He should be charged guilty of existence.

Dear C.C. Sabathia:

If we wanted you to suck, we would have let the Red Sox sign you. Please suck a fat one and leave New York City.

Thank you.

P.S. - We want our millions of dollars from your contract back so we can sign Roy Halladay, who has a better arm and probably a bigger dong than you.

Thanks for rubbing it in.

After my beloved Toronto Maple Leafs missed the Stanley Cup Playoffs once again, I think I feel shitty enough. But then I log on to nhl.com this evening to check on hockey news, and the whole thing is remade, seemingly just for the playoffs.

It's sleeker, and the top bar is all chromified.

Thanks a lot, nhl.com. Now I feel even more terrible that my team missed the playoffs because your mighty cyber cock is basically skeeting all over the teams that got higher draft picks.

Not to say the teams that made the playoffs don't deserve credibility, but chromifying the website for the postseason is like waiting for the kids to leave the house so you can really get the action started.

Ew.

nhl.com = your parents having sex.

And now that I've completely strayed from my initial intention of this post...

llamas.

Smartfood is horseshit. (A tribute to Popcorn, Indiana)

Smartfood is fucking terrible. It chews like cardboard, tastes like a rotten asshole, and is probably bite-sized bird shit. You know what cheddar popcorn I eat?








BAM. Gourmet Aged White Cheddar Kettlecorn. It already sounds orgasmic, just by its name. What the fuck kind of name is Smartfood anyway? Great marketing ploy, Frito Lay. Your next brand of popcorn should be called Fartfood. Not that that's creative or anything, or even remotely funny, but it sure as hell blows Smartfood straight out of the water. And you know what else blows Smartfood straight out of the water?

Gourmet Aged White Cheddar Kettlecorn, bitches. It tastes like something from heaven, not something from Howard Stern's asshole. It is almost as pleasurable to sit down and eat a bag of Smartfood as it is to get a blowjob from a Cuisinart. But Gourmet Aged White Cheddar Kettlecorn? It's like having an orgy with perfect ingredients and an ass-kicking taste that says, "Fuck you, Smartfood. Suck my aged white cheddar shlong!" And Smartfood better obey.

This godly stuff is even made in a place called Popcorn, Indiana. And Popcorn is a town that doesn't fuck around, ladies and gentleman. Popcorn delivers, and Popcorn chops Frito Lay's fat, disgusting ass off with a rusty machete on a daily basis.

So thank you, Kettlecorn, and thank you, Popcorn, Indiana, you have helped me seek refuge through the utter torture and blasphemy of Fartfood. I owe the CEO of Kettlecorn twenty thousand sexual chores.

Don't feel bad if you're a terrible person, you'll never be the worst, at least until Paris Hilton dies.

A few weeks ago, I was ambling through South Beach with the crazy people who live with me (this is otherwise known as a "family vacation"), when I saw none other than Paris Hilton herself on the beach, surrounded by cameras that she probably paid for (with her father's money, of course) and wearing high heels ("stilettos", in particular, according to my mother.)

Now, as she was posing and tripping over herself in a most trashy manner due to the oh-so practical combination of sand and high heels, I nearly keeled over and projectile vomited. It's a shame I didn't though, because I would have run over to her and tossed my cookies all over her stupid fake persona.

This is because Paris Hilton is a joke. She is famous for one reason: Hilton hotels. She's all over TV and pop culture all the time, and she's always being a gargantuan piece of trash. (Apparently she's even tried making music. I'm sure that was a huge success amongst girls aged thirteen to thirteen and a half.) It's like just because her ancestors were smart business executives, or whatever makes you what is probably the most successful hotel chain on earth, she gets leeway to be a repulsive whore whose IQ is less than that of a mentally challenged sloth.

Well, I have news for you, Paris, if you ever happen to read this, which I hope more than anything in the world you do: it doesn't. Fuck you. Go do something productive, not reproductive, you obnoxious skank. Go read a book, if you know how. If I were a Hilton, I would be apologizing everywhere I went for this shit stain on Earth's panties who I happened to be helplessly related to, and probably shooting for the Nobel Peace Prize to try and compensate for this dim-witted gaping vagina of a human being, but not even that would begin to suffice.

Paris Hilton, please do the world a favor and jump off a cliff. Make sure you take your "stilettos" along for the ride.

Insomnia

God dammit. I hate this.

Go to sleep.
I can't sleep...
Okay,
Browse YouTube.
Go downstairs and eat something.
Hang around on Facebook.
Read some of that book.
Attempt to fall asleep again.
Fail and open computer again.

Holy shit, it's 4:00 AM.

Seriously, fuck insomnia. Who invented it? It's so boring. It's so useless. Not that I want to go to school tomorrow, but since I have no choice, I would rather go to school well-rested and remotely presentable than bed-headed and smelling like ass cheese and borderline retarded because I didn't have any time to make myself seem less like a dumb ape because I hit the snooze button too much due to the fact that I feel asleep three hours beforehand.

Insomnia, you're an asshole. I'm going to kill you and your family.

An ode to rap music (blog virginity)

Here is my first of hopefully many rants that escape my brain:

I don't get rap music.
I'm sorry if you like it, but I don't. Actually, the only reason I'm sorry if you like it is because you torture your poor ears. I will go as far as Mickey Avalon, because he's hilarious (but really only for about ten minutes), and then I'll stop. All of these artificial beats and continuously boring and meaningless lyrics (this isn't the case with some rappers who actually have shit to say that is beneficial to listen to, a.k.a less than 0.1% of them). All of the tracks sounding the same. All of the stereotypes and culture and bullshit that surrounds rap music - it's pathetic.

Arrogant rap fans who call music like rock and folk "pussy music" and "repetitive" have their heads in their asses and their asses in an overflowing trash can. I don't think these people understand how long it takes to be great at a musical instrument, and to learn and master things like music theory and texture and timbre and dynamic. The farthest level of creativity rap can reach is about equal to the level of intelligence of a dead dung beetle covered in monkey semen.

I don't get it. Listen to things that have tunes and dynamics and good lyrics. Listen to Van Halen, listen to the Beatles, listen to Ben Folds or Of Montreal or Aerosmith; this is music that makes your ears thank you, not want to rape you with a steak knife.

Sorry if this rant severely offended your taste in "music", but I just don't get how people can listen to rap for more than two minutes and say, "Golly, this is swell. Snoop Dogg sure is fly."

Listen to better music. Stop stooping so low. Rap just doesn't make sense.