Nick Kypreos is an idiot.

If any of you happen to watch Sportsnet, then you know who Nick Kypreos is. If you don't, then here's a quick, user-friendly summary of him:



















He is a hockey anchor on Rogers Sportsnet. Basically, he is the epitome of idiots, and here's why:

The other night, during Game 5 of the first round series between the Washington Capitals and the New York Rangers, Alex Ovechkin scored an absolutely stunning goal. If you haven't heard of Ovechkin, he's basically one of the best hockey players in the world right now, as you can see from that goal. He plays hard, he grinds to the puck, works every shift, has an endless amount of finesse, hits hard, scores tons of goals, gets tons of points, and is the main reason the Washington Capitals are the fantastic hockey club they are today.

Cue Kypreos.

Later that night, I was watching Rogers Sportsnet and the Hockeycentral panel was discussing the game. When Ovechkin's goal came into discussion, Nick Kypreos immediatley attacked Ovechkin's style of play. He said something like this:

"Well, c'mon... look: if you just charge to the net ten or twelve times per game, chances are that eventually you'll score a goal."

Oh really, Nick? Really, Mr. Kypreos? Well then, let me ask you this, fuckface: when you played in the NHL, why didn't you charge to the net ten or twelve times a game and score some goals? Hmm? Oh wait, let me guess: you were terrible at hockey. You were just a stupid goon when you played hockey. You sucked then, and now, if it was even possible, you suck even more.

Let's do a quick comparison of your career stats and Alex Ovechkin's career stats, as of today, Monday, April 27th, 2009, shall we?? Delightful!!

Nick Kypreos:
Pro Seasons: 8
Games Played: 442
Points: 90 (46 G, 44 A)
Penalty Minutes: 1,210

Alex Ovechkin:
Pro Seasons: 4
Games Played: 337
Points: 436 (226 G, 210 A)
Penalty Minutes: 218

Oh, WOW, Nick! Looks like you two are really neck-and-neck! In twice the amount of seasons, you had about 1/5 the points and six times the penalty minutes! Do you know what that makes you? A stupid fucking goon. You were the kind of player that makes hockey the sometimes undesirable testosterone-driven madhouse of a sport it can be. Now don't get me wrong; I love hockey with all my heart, I just hate the fact that in the middle of the game, any two players can beat the living shit out of each other. It just doesn't make sense. If every time a pitcher threw a pitch that was a little bit two inside for the hitter's liking in a baseball game, it would make just as much (or little, I suppose) sense if the hitter came charging out to the mound throwing haymakers with the umps standing around letting them duel it out. But it never happens, does it? Do you know why? Because fighting is fucking stupid. Leave it to the boxing ring and the octagon.

A lot of people only watch hockey for the fighting and physical play. Well, I say fuck that and fuck them... hard. No, harder. Gooood. It's a stain on this beautiful sport.

Hey, Nick Kypreos, you wanna know what the highlight of your career you're most famous for is? Check this shit out, you little bitch. If you want to talk about Ovechkin like you're the boss of hockey, then I suggest you make sure your career wasn't a giant steaming turd, which it was. You were a negative addition to the Toronto Maple Leafs, and every other team you "played" for for that matter, and you're a negative addition to the Hockeycentral panel and to Rogers Sportsnet, because you're a big dumb fuck.

The next time you say something about Alex Ovechkin, the words that come out of your mouth better be exactly as follows:

"I don't understand talent, and I never did. He is the God of hockey. I wish I were sucking his gigantic Russian dong right now. Please fire me, Rogers Sportsnet. I'm not even worthy of Martine Gaillard's dump on my chest. I'm the worst person to ever walk the earth! Somebody fuck my face!!"

Oh yeah, and your career ended with a severe concussion, and post-concussion syndrome. I guess you never recovered, you incompetent dumbass.

Ladies and gentleman of the jury, Nick Kypreos is a dumb piece of shit. He should be charged guilty of existence.

Dear C.C. Sabathia:

If we wanted you to suck, we would have let the Red Sox sign you. Please suck a fat one and leave New York City.

Thank you.

P.S. - We want our millions of dollars from your contract back so we can sign Roy Halladay, who has a better arm and probably a bigger dong than you.

Thanks for rubbing it in.

After my beloved Toronto Maple Leafs missed the Stanley Cup Playoffs once again, I think I feel shitty enough. But then I log on to nhl.com this evening to check on hockey news, and the whole thing is remade, seemingly just for the playoffs.

It's sleeker, and the top bar is all chromified.

Thanks a lot, nhl.com. Now I feel even more terrible that my team missed the playoffs because your mighty cyber cock is basically skeeting all over the teams that got higher draft picks.

Not to say the teams that made the playoffs don't deserve credibility, but chromifying the website for the postseason is like waiting for the kids to leave the house so you can really get the action started.

Ew.

nhl.com = your parents having sex.

And now that I've completely strayed from my initial intention of this post...

llamas.

Smartfood is horseshit. (A tribute to Popcorn, Indiana)

Smartfood is fucking terrible. It chews like cardboard, tastes like a rotten asshole, and is probably bite-sized bird shit. You know what cheddar popcorn I eat?








BAM. Gourmet Aged White Cheddar Kettlecorn. It already sounds orgasmic, just by its name. What the fuck kind of name is Smartfood anyway? Great marketing ploy, Frito Lay. Your next brand of popcorn should be called Fartfood. Not that that's creative or anything, or even remotely funny, but it sure as hell blows Smartfood straight out of the water. And you know what else blows Smartfood straight out of the water?

Gourmet Aged White Cheddar Kettlecorn, bitches. It tastes like something from heaven, not something from Howard Stern's asshole. It is almost as pleasurable to sit down and eat a bag of Smartfood as it is to get a blowjob from a Cuisinart. But Gourmet Aged White Cheddar Kettlecorn? It's like having an orgy with perfect ingredients and an ass-kicking taste that says, "Fuck you, Smartfood. Suck my aged white cheddar shlong!" And Smartfood better obey.

This godly stuff is even made in a place called Popcorn, Indiana. And Popcorn is a town that doesn't fuck around, ladies and gentleman. Popcorn delivers, and Popcorn chops Frito Lay's fat, disgusting ass off with a rusty machete on a daily basis.

So thank you, Kettlecorn, and thank you, Popcorn, Indiana, you have helped me seek refuge through the utter torture and blasphemy of Fartfood. I owe the CEO of Kettlecorn twenty thousand sexual chores.

Don't feel bad if you're a terrible person, you'll never be the worst, at least until Paris Hilton dies.

A few weeks ago, I was ambling through South Beach with the crazy people who live with me (this is otherwise known as a "family vacation"), when I saw none other than Paris Hilton herself on the beach, surrounded by cameras that she probably paid for (with her father's money, of course) and wearing high heels ("stilettos", in particular, according to my mother.)

Now, as she was posing and tripping over herself in a most trashy manner due to the oh-so practical combination of sand and high heels, I nearly keeled over and projectile vomited. It's a shame I didn't though, because I would have run over to her and tossed my cookies all over her stupid fake persona.

This is because Paris Hilton is a joke. She is famous for one reason: Hilton hotels. She's all over TV and pop culture all the time, and she's always being a gargantuan piece of trash. (Apparently she's even tried making music. I'm sure that was a huge success amongst girls aged thirteen to thirteen and a half.) It's like just because her ancestors were smart business executives, or whatever makes you what is probably the most successful hotel chain on earth, she gets leeway to be a repulsive whore whose IQ is less than that of a mentally challenged sloth.

Well, I have news for you, Paris, if you ever happen to read this, which I hope more than anything in the world you do: it doesn't. Fuck you. Go do something productive, not reproductive, you obnoxious skank. Go read a book, if you know how. If I were a Hilton, I would be apologizing everywhere I went for this shit stain on Earth's panties who I happened to be helplessly related to, and probably shooting for the Nobel Peace Prize to try and compensate for this dim-witted gaping vagina of a human being, but not even that would begin to suffice.

Paris Hilton, please do the world a favor and jump off a cliff. Make sure you take your "stilettos" along for the ride.

Insomnia

God dammit. I hate this.

Go to sleep.
I can't sleep...
Okay,
Browse YouTube.
Go downstairs and eat something.
Hang around on Facebook.
Read some of that book.
Attempt to fall asleep again.
Fail and open computer again.

Holy shit, it's 4:00 AM.

Seriously, fuck insomnia. Who invented it? It's so boring. It's so useless. Not that I want to go to school tomorrow, but since I have no choice, I would rather go to school well-rested and remotely presentable than bed-headed and smelling like ass cheese and borderline retarded because I didn't have any time to make myself seem less like a dumb ape because I hit the snooze button too much due to the fact that I feel asleep three hours beforehand.

Insomnia, you're an asshole. I'm going to kill you and your family.

An ode to rap music (blog virginity)

Here is my first of hopefully many rants that escape my brain:

I don't get rap music.
I'm sorry if you like it, but I don't. Actually, the only reason I'm sorry if you like it is because you torture your poor ears. I will go as far as Mickey Avalon, because he's hilarious (but really only for about ten minutes), and then I'll stop. All of these artificial beats and continuously boring and meaningless lyrics (this isn't the case with some rappers who actually have shit to say that is beneficial to listen to, a.k.a less than 0.1% of them). All of the tracks sounding the same. All of the stereotypes and culture and bullshit that surrounds rap music - it's pathetic.

Arrogant rap fans who call music like rock and folk "pussy music" and "repetitive" have their heads in their asses and their asses in an overflowing trash can. I don't think these people understand how long it takes to be great at a musical instrument, and to learn and master things like music theory and texture and timbre and dynamic. The farthest level of creativity rap can reach is about equal to the level of intelligence of a dead dung beetle covered in monkey semen.

I don't get it. Listen to things that have tunes and dynamics and good lyrics. Listen to Van Halen, listen to the Beatles, listen to Ben Folds or Of Montreal or Aerosmith; this is music that makes your ears thank you, not want to rape you with a steak knife.

Sorry if this rant severely offended your taste in "music", but I just don't get how people can listen to rap for more than two minutes and say, "Golly, this is swell. Snoop Dogg sure is fly."

Listen to better music. Stop stooping so low. Rap just doesn't make sense.